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It only costs $5 to have a personalized poem written specifically for your situation.

Be it a poem, eulogy, prayer, wedding vow, birthday greeting, toast, speech or anything else, if you would like to have something special written specifically for your situation, please contact me and we'll get things started.  Below are some samples of my work in addition to those on the page of funny ways to say grace.  Samples were used with permission.  You can request something funny, something serious, something heart felt, or a combination.  I charge $5 for anything similar in size to the samples or smaller.  If you need something considerably larger, I'm sure we can work something out.  From the time I receive your payment, unless I'm really swamped, I usually have something ready in three or four days.  All you have to do is:
Once the poem is completed, it belongs to you and you are free to do with it as you see fit.

I will not write anything lurid, pornographic, immoral or crude (if it's just in bad taste, I might still do it) and I will not use swearing or foul language.  I reserve the right to refuse any jobs I'm not comfortable doing.

Please be aware that there are NO refunds.  I will do my best to make you happy, but it's just too easy for someone to want their money back and then use the poem anyway.


“A Eulogy for the family of Beth M.”   

We’re here to honor Grandma Beth who requested we joke while mourning her death.  I’ll start it with laughter and a story that’s funny in honor of the woman who called EVERYONE honey.  She wants lots of jokes, she doesn’t care what.  All because she was just such a nut. 
At a public restroom she entered the wrong one, she realized it but decided to have a little fun.  She yelled at the men like you wouldn’t believe and loudly insisted that all the guys leave.  They were very confused and didn’t know what to do, so quickly, single-file, out the door they all flew.  I’m sure to the men, she seemed like a grump.  But the room was all hers to finish taking a dump.
That’s how grandma was and everyone knew it, life could be tough, humor’s how she got through it.  When this service is over and we’re ready to go, I think that’s the thing she would want us to know.  Life is too short to spend with a frown, so turn to humor when you’re feeling down.  Hugs, love and laughter help get us through life regardless of difficulty, hardship and strife.  We loved you in life, we mourn you in death, we’ll remember you always, our sweet Grandma Beth.

“Christmas Poem for N. R. Parson and his family”

We gathered this day to celebrate,
but here we all sat cuz Dad’s always late.

Dad’s finally here though he's always the  last,
so now we’ll remember our Christmases past.

The twinkling tree, a bright festive wreath,
our laughter when Grandpa sneezed out his teeth.

Mom will cook, but not Uncle Eddie. 
When HE cooks, the smoke alarm lets us know dinner’s ready.

The time the dog was scared out of his mind
when he got tangled and ran dragging the tree along behind.

Mom and Dad once had our snowmen all wrecked
cuz we filled the yard with snowmen anatomically correct.

We thank God for this very special time of year
and thank Him that our whole family is here.

“A proposal for Ben C."

I love you deeply with all of my heart. 
Something is missing each time we’re apart.

You mean so much more than I ever could say. 
My love for you grows with each passing day.

A love that was obviously so meant to be. 
Warm as the sun and deep as the sea.

I want to be with you the rest of my life,
so I’m asking you now, will you be my wife?

“A break up poem for Janice L."

I’ve tried to tell you so many times,
you just never got it so I’ll try it with rhymes.

You act like I’m just a possession to you,
I’m worth more than that and I know what to do
I gave us a chance and many many tries,
now I think I should see other guys.

You’ve treated me badly and never did love me,
you’ve yelled and threatened and once even shoved me.

Life with you is no longer fun,
why can’t you get it that we’re totally done.

I’m sorry and hurt that this has to end,
but I’m willing to try to still be your friend.

“Written for myself about a job I once had (and hated)”

Moving at speeds that make me dizzy, just to make myself look busy.
I sit at my desk going nowhere at all, except to answer nature’s call.
It comes without warning and I’m sorry to say, is probably the high point of my day.
So here I sit in the company’s trust, gathering pay and layers of dust.

"One I came up with just for my own entertainment"

There once was a man from Saint Pete
who had considerably too much to eat.
He was walking alone,
tripped over a stone
and rolled right back onto his feet.

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